me me me me me me me me me

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 12:50:37 GMT

Purity Test

RESULT: Completely Contaminated

You beast, you. Save yourself now before your mother has a nervous breakdown.

On the eSPIN Purity Scale (patent pending), you score 1 Purity Point out of 6. (Honestly, we’d prefer to make it zero out of 6, but then we’d have to get the authorities involved, and you’d have to hire a lawyer, and, well...it’s more hassle than it’s worth.) Even though, on our scale, you’re pretty much the scum of the earth, there’s still a way for you to redeem yourself and purify your soul. How about an exorcism?

Please tell me I'm not crazy!

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 13:32:12 GMT

Biggest news at the moment :
I got a job! yay!
actually I got two
One is at Bluesfest (so fantastic!) working in a lemonade stand
and the other is for Quizno's subs, where I get to wear a giant soft drink costume and walk around with Caitlin while she hands out flyers.

Now the confirming my sanity part.
Does anyone remember that commercial that was for some kind of gum that was a candy too, or something like that, where some guy says in a ridiculous voice : "I got two jobs!"
Cuz yesterday I kept saying that to people and they just kinda stared at me blankly like they had absolutely no idea why i wasn't normal :P.

In other news, I'm back from my trip. It was pretty fabulous, although lonely at times.
I've rediscovered my deep rooted hatred for Toronto lol. Especially Toronto when you're trying to drive around in it and you have no idea where you're going and there are people honking and screaming because stupid Brazil just won the stupid world cup. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the world cup, or Brazil, but I thought I hit a kid or something!

My gramma's here now, she came up for my dad's party. My aunt and uncle are coming late tonight. This party's going to be crrrrazy. Especially if it rains lmao. There are like 50 people coming to my house to have a barbeque in the back yard, kids and grandparents and everything in between. Last year, the leftover beer from the party, yes, just the leftovers, took up two shelves in our fridge. That was just 25 people.

Now I'm going to go be social because Laura is sitting in my dining room.

Love always,

Marissa

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 02:06:34 GMT

4 days left...oh boy...I hope I make it.
Every day just keeps getting harder and harder to make it through.
Today I didn't. I crashed on the couch at 5:00 and didn't get up again until 8:30.
I have yet to figure out why I'm so bloody exhausted.
Last night, right before I went to bed, my mom looked into my room and let out a bloodcurdling scream. Apparently a big ass centipede crawled in behind my bookshelf. So I woke up about 500 times last night being like OH SHIT the centipede's going to get me!
In other news, my mother is convinced I have mono.
I have decided that I am not allowed to, as that would wreck (cancel) my marvellous trip.
Speaking of which, I am excited x 1000000000!
I'm going to Dale's house first, leaving as soon as I finish my bio exam. Then on Friday, I'm driving to London to go out for dinner and a movie with Steve. On Sunday, I'm going to go to youth group in London, and then go to my cousin's house.
Then I'm spending a couple days with my cousin, and then going to visit my gramma.
I wish that next Wednesday were right now!

Rudy's friend was having an end of year party, he invited his whole class, and a few friends from the other grade 6 class. My mom found out that some kids felt bad about not being invited, and took it upon herself to plan a party for everybody in grade 6, at westboro beach.
Rudy's response : oh my god mom, now everybody's going to hate me!! It's going to suck so much, all the nerds are going to be there!!! You ruined my life!

Eric was talking on msn / aim for 6 hours tonight. We could barely pry him away from the computer to eat. He was talking to his friend (girl) from Syracuse, the one he hooked up with at Ottawa con. A bitter monster I didn't know existed woke up inside of me. Mom told him to go walk the dog, and he sat there for like 10 minutes after she asked saying goodbye. I made so many sarcastic bitter comments in the time it took him. Maybe a break from cons is good for me :S.

Last thought of the night, before I fall into bed:
if i've come to terms with never going there again, why is it so hard to move on?

goodbye cheese :( i'll miss you!

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 15:49:19 GMT

Biggest news of the moment in marissa's life :
I'm going vegan.
I've been thinking about it for a while, the official deciding point was how sick I've been for the past two weeks, unless I don't eat certain foods altogether, I just can't stay away from them.
Although, if it doesn't stop me from being so sick all the time, I might go back to eggs and milk, fish is going no matter what, because I swear to god that my bad karma in the fish eating department is going to make those fish in the canal jump out and eat me :P.
The first bonus about vegan cooking : eating raw batter and not feeling sick

my poor eye

Sat, 27 May 2006 21:33:20 GMT

i think i popped a blood vessel in my eyelid
there's a gross red line thing on my eyelid
it's very itchy
maybe i got bit by a bug
all i know is it's irritating

last night i snuck out of my house at 2:00
in the morning to go meet chris and devon and geoff at the park
it was exciting
and i didn't get caught
and it was fun
i'm very tired though

i think that i understand why there were just about no grade 11's and 12's at our dances in grade 9, it seems that we've all kind of outgrown them, the hype is gone
time to move on to bars and clubs i suppose
i would give anything to be young, naive, and innocent again and get all fancied up and excited to go stand in the glebe community centre with 250 preteens
and hope that geoff marshall catlin miraculously shows up
lol...those were the days

at the dance last night, some girl came running up to me and was like will you dance with this cute guy from edmonton, it's his last day here and i have to show him ottawa girls
so i did
he was pretty cute, and nice, it was pretty awkward at first, just like grade 6 again
we kinda stood and danced about a foot apart and chatted
then the girl came up and was like "you know you can touch" and pushed us together
so we got closer and wrapped our arms around each other
the funny thing is, that's when the conversation stopped
when the song ended, i left pretty quickly
he said thank you, it was nice to meet you
and hung on to my arm for a second
i felt bad for not staying for another dance
i hope i didn't insult him
he doesn't know how much i can't deal with meeting another guy who lives far away
i couldn't tell him that the reason i wanted to have nothing to do with him was because i was interested in him

there are so many reasons for people acting like they do, for them saying the things they say, it's tough to figure people out sometimes, but i think acknowledging that there's so much more to people than what's on the surface will get me further than moping about not understanding why people act the way they do

that's my psychological breakthrough for the day

love always

Marissa

someday my prince will come...

Wed, 24 May 2006 21:06:05 GMT

My mind is pulling itself in a bazillion different directions right now.
I think the scariest thing ever is not knowing how you feel.
That should be the easiest thing in the world to figure out, shouldn't it?
The way you feel about something, where you stand on an issue.
With all the worrying about what other people think, how they feel, what they're going to do, how is it that you should have to figure yourself out as well?

I haven't been at school since last Tuesday. I was sick, then I was in New Brunswick, then I was so tired I couldn't function, then my physics summative was a disaster and fell apart at the last minute and I spent all day trying to fix it.
I'm so afraid to go back, to face everything that's there again, I always am. At the same time, I've been around the same few people for almost 2 weeks.
I need stimulation, it may sound uber nerdy, but I really need to learn something lol.

Kevin is coming up on Friday, and I am ever so excited. His busses are dumb so we're not going to the dance, but I don't mind very much. Paul, Riannon, and James are also coming. We are going to celebrate Roopa's bday like nobody's business. WoOoOoOoO HoOoOoOoOoO!!!

I'm too lazy to write a big long post about CanUUdle right now, but I will soon.

In other news, I've been sober for thirteen days now. And I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday morning. And I'm pretty much ok.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not quitting right now like snap, but I'm feeling very in control. Very clear headed.

That's all for now.

Love always,

Marissa

Lyrics (Dashboard Confessional)

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

Tue, 23 May 2006 16:10:18 GMT

Have you ever ...

1. Made out? yes

2. Slept in a different bed? yes

3. Made out in a movie theatre? no actually i haven't, surprising non?

4. made out with 2 different people in one night? hehe, if by 2 you meant 16...

5. Thought your cousin was hot? my cousin is very hot, it's digusting, but i don't think he's hot in a "i'm sexually attracted to my cousin" sort of way, he's hot in the way that i can recognize that a 6 foot 5 blonde haired blue eyed surfing, hockey playing fire fighter from north carolina would be incredibly attractive if we didn't share grandparents

6. Been in love? despite what people tell me, i think i have

7. Slept? not recently lol

8. Taken a shower with someone else? absolutely, though not in a sexual way

9. Gone over the speed limit? i drove home from new brunswick in 12 hours yesterday...uh..ya

10. Painted your room? last summer

11. Driven a car? yes indeedy

12. Danced in front of your mirror? yes

13. Gotten a hickey? several times

14. Been dumped? yes

15. Stolen money from a friend? borrowed without paying back, i don't think i've ever consciously stolen from a friend tho

16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes

17. Been in a fist fight? no but i've been the cause of a fist fight

18. Snuck out of your house? yes, the firs time was with kristen, to see julian and drew :S

19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? where to start...

20. Been arrested? not technically, they told us we were, but we didn't actually get arrested

21. Made out with a stranger? yes

22. Left your house with out telling your parents? to sherbrooke

23. Had a crush on your neighbor? absolutely

24. Ditched school to do something more fun? never...haha!

25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? yes

26. Seen someone die? i held her hand

27. Been on a plane? 4 times, don't plan on it again unless absolutely neccessary

28. Kissed a picture? ya i think so

29. Slept in until 3? yessiree

30. Love someone or miss someone right now? i miss so many people right now, that's what comes from meeting so many people who live far away
i don't know if i love someone right now, but if i don't, i never have

31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? that's what major's is for! uh...among other things :P

32. Made a snow angel? fo dee sheezie lmao laura

33. Played dress up? of course

34. Cheated while playing a game? mmmhmmm

35. Been lonely? when you have 3 brothers and no sisters, most definitely, and i don't mean to sound like i'm whining to only children, but when people that close to you have special connections with each other that you could never fit in to...

36. Fallen asleep at work/school? oh physics videos, what perfect nap time

37. Been to a club? yes

38. Felt an earthquake? yes

39. Touched a snake? yay museum of nature

40. Ran a red light? once, by accident, and i don't even know if i actually did

41. Been suspended from school? nope

42. Had detention? yes

43. Been in a car? just about every day

44. Hated the way you look? yes, for a long time

45. Witnessed a crime? yes

46. Been lost? oh montreal...how i loathe you

47. Been to the opposite side of the country? what's the opposite side of our country? i've been to the east coast but not the west

48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? oh yes

49. Cried yourself to sleep? too often

50. Sang karaoke? yes

51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? where to start?

52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? ow...so many bubbles

53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? very therapeutic

54. Kissed in the rain? mmmm...much fun

55. Sung in the shower? every time i shower

56. Had a dream that you married someone? yes

57. Played getting married? for sure

58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? i don't think an actually flag pole, cold metal surfaces though on several occasions

59. Ever gone to school partially nude? what do you consider partially nude? i don't think i have, maybe in dreams

60. Been called a whore? jesuus (<3 Morgan) as often as i've been called marissa

61. Sat on a roof top? yes

62. Didn't take a shower for a week? probably

63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? i've never watched a scary movie on my own

64. Played chicken? yes

65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yup

66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? yes

67. Broken a bone? my nose and my toe

68. Been easily amused? all the time

69. Laugh so hard you cry? for sure

70. Cheated on a test? yes

71. Forgotten someone's name? it happens far too often

72. Blacked out from drinking? once :S not a pleasant experience

73. Played a prank on someone? yes

74. Gone to a late night movie? yes

75. Made love to anything not human? yes

76. Failed a class? no, came ridiculously close though

77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? well it depends on whether or not you think that you're supposed to eat...uh...i'll go with yes

78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? i don't think so

79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? yes, and i've hated myself for it ever since

80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? i don't think i ever have

81. Thrown strange objects? yes

82. Felt like being someone else? oh yes

83. Thought about running away? all the time

84. Ran away? to sherbrooke

85. Had detention and not attend it? yes

86. Made parents cry? yes

87. Cried over someone? all the time

88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? yes

89. Dated someone more than once? alex armstrong

90. Had a dog? my daisy dog

91. Owned an instrument? a piano, about 25 recorders lol

92. Been in a band? at school

93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no i don't think so

94. Broken a cd? yes

95. Shot a gun? not a real one

96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? never

98. Have a major crush on someone right now? unfortunately

99. Have a religion? i do, and i'm very proud of it, and dedicated to it

100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? yes

Our Lady Peace Concert!

Wed, 17 May 2006 17:01:34 GMT

seven words

Steve Mazur, get in my pants, pronto

that's all

my emo update

Wed, 17 May 2006 16:52:35 GMT

yes, i am aware that i am not actually emo
however, i am about to complain about my mood in this post, and to prevent anyone from commenting on it and saying "cheer up emo kid" i thought i'd warn you first
because if anyone were to say that to me right now, i might go postal
(just in case anyone was wondering, the term "to go postal" comes from events that happened between 1986 and 1997 in which 20 U.S. postal workers got so angry that they went to work and shot their co-workers, combined, they killed more than 40 people)
yes, that is how upset i will get if anyone else tells me to cheer up
i don't want to pretend to be happy
i need some perspective?
i get it, i have a good life, a good family, good friends, i'm not starving or dying of aids and nobody close to me has died recently
but i'm still allowed to be upset, because i do feel hurt, and if i need to hurt for a while, why can't everyone just let me
if that means you need to leave me alone to my feeling sorry for myself, go right ahead
maybe i can't deal with it on my own but i'd rather do that than be constantly told to feel better, be happy, cheer up, because it's just not that quick and easy for me
maybe i'm overreacting, i probably am, but this is how much it affected me, if you can't deal with my selfishness, don't

Oh what a wonderful weekend.

Sun, 14 May 2006 16:34:39 GMT

I won't lie to you in order to make you think I'm feeling some sort of humble. We did a f***ing amazing job organizing that conference. Oh boy, what a fabulous con!

Friday was a little bit hectic. I had about a gazillion different jobs to do and got quite a bit stressed out. Roz is my goddess for ever and five halves.
Most people there would come up and be like, how's it going? or, how are you doing?
But wonderful marvellous Roz stands me up, sits at the computer and says "Tell me what to do."
Our country for our touch group was named Sambouca (<3 Riannon).
Our religion was the worship of Kevin Fox, because it was his birthday.
More on his birthday. On Thursday, me and Caitlin went out and bought him 17 birthday presents for his 17th birthday. They were fabulously useless things like foam swords and rubber bouncy balls. OOh, and a shot glass that lights up when you slam it down.
Also, Roopa wrapped me up in streamers and a bow and presenting me to him, along with a card that said "Luc's not coming, happy birthday". He got quite a kick out of that one lol.
Then there was a supremely awkward bunch of minutes when we were going to sleep when Ali and Slater decided to join us under the duvet. We all kind of lay there awake for who knows how long, before Ali was like "Uh, Slater, do you want to go lie down somewhere else now?"

Saturday was also pretty fabulous. Workshops went as well as we expected, and food was soo good. For free time, Sarah, Dale, Paul, Morgan, Laura, Glynis, Riannon, and Kevin came over to jump on the trampoline and we watched Edward Scissorhands.
The coffeehouse was also really good, and organised, minus the part when my dad was the MC and made humiliating comments i.e. (after I sang Light my Candle with Eric) "I don't like you staring at my daughter's ass. We're going to dance later alright!"
The bridging worship was very nice and sweet. They played Circle Game and I managed to not cry.
I was planning on staying up all night, but I realised that I was very supremely exhausted and that most of my super close friends were already asleep, so I went to bed at around 3.

And here I am, sitting at my computer, somewhat lonely, not allowing myeslf to fall asleep, because I know that if I do, I will sleep until I don't need sleep any more, and then I will never sleep tonight.

now it's all dark

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 01:12:35 GMT

it's funny how something little like the sun going down can produce a horrible mood swing

Spring!!!!! (finally!)

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 23:16:31 GMT

oh how I love this time of year!
there are just so many things that make we want to run around and dance and sing and laugh and smile!
first of all, it's warm, that means I can go outside and lay in the grass and bake in the sun, and just be cozy, and toasty, and content just being
plus, it's getting so pretty out, I haven't seen flowers yet, but there's green! lots of green!
the grass isn't mucky and ugly, and there are cute little stems sticking up all over the place
and this morning, my bird woke up super early and started whistling LIKE CRAZY
so I woke up and went downstairs to see what was going on, and there was this cute little birdy in a nest whistling and bobbing his head all over the place, oooooo so cute!!!!!
I think I will go to the experimental farm and coo over all the baby animals, I love babies!
anyone wanna come with me?
mmmmmm I'm so glad that winter is over, I'm such a fake Canadian, I can't stand cold and snow and ice
I want it to be just like this, all year round
green and good smelly and pretty and babies and oooooo I'm going back outside now it's just too nice to stay in!

Song Lyrics :
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never planned to fade... away
Stay with me
Stop pretending when they say that you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Please, forgive me,
I'm just someone
Whose made mistakes

what's the point in hoping?

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 01:49:54 GMT

since september I have been looking forward to Steve, my wonderful friend from B.C., coming to London, Ontario on his Katimavik trip
because he is living so much closer now than ever before, he was going to come to Ottawa, as well as CanUUdle (in New Brunswick) for the all Canadian youth conference
he got to London on Saturday, and I was so excited, it was finally happening
but then I talked to him
he is neither coming to Ottawa, nor New Brunswick
I think I will cry
I lied
I know I will cry
I already have
I'm so sick of crying
I'm so sick of being dissappointed
why do I even bother looking forward to things? why do I bother getting excited?
I just keep setting myself up for another night of sitting on my bed bawling in to my pillow

Song Lyric of the moment :
go home, get stoned, we could end up making love instead of misery

a bird in the hand...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 02:45:08 GMT

270 miles to certain affection,
or 313 miles to certain friendship, that you wish was love?

to wait for someone who may not ever return your feelings,
or to be with someone who will cherish you now?

take a chance on someone you think you might be falling for,
or stick to someone you know you'll never stop caring for?

the unforgettable one, who won't be around for much longer,
or the new acquaintance, who will be there until the end?

Song Lyrics of the moment :

" I am just a dreamer,
but you are just a dream,
You could have been anyone to me.
Before that moment you touched my lips
That perfect feeling when time just slips
away between us on our foggy trip [...]
I wanna love you, but I get so blown away. " - Neil Young

Where our priorities are...

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 22:12:05 GMT

Cosmetics in the United States $8, 000, 000, 000
Ice cream in Europe $11, 000, 000, 000
Perfumes in Europe and the United States $12, 000, 000, 000
Pet foods in Europe and the United States $17, 000, 000, 000
Business entertainment in Japan $35, 000, 000, 000
Cigarettes in Europe $50, 000, 000, 000
Alcoholic drinks in Europe $105, 000, 000, 000
Narcotics drugs in the world $400, 000, 000, 000
Military spending in the world $780, 000, 000, 000

Basic education for all $6, 000, 000, 000
Water and sanitation for all $9, 000, 000, 000
Reproductive health for all women $12, 000, 000, 000
Basic health and nutrition $13, 000, 000, 000

why Marissa should never be a scientist (and why she will go in to sciences anyways)

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 00:39:41 GMT

So, I'm sitting down to do some Physics questions, which I cleverly dowloaded from the internet so that I could study without a textbook (cuz the bitch took it away the day before my test, concerned my ass). The first couple went alright, because clearly I should have a higher mark than 63, regardless of the retarded different bins for thinking and inquiry and application etc etc. Then the third question : " A boy with a mass of 60 kg is on roller skates, a girl, pulls on his arm with a force of 100N[W]. A second girl pulls on his sweater with a force of 120N[E]. Describe all of the forces that are acting on the boy. "
So, clearly, the answer is 20N[E], and then gravity, even if you aren't taking physics, you probably figured that out. But could I just leave it at that, could I move on? Pffff!
Who is this boy, and why does he have two girls pulling on him? What are they doing there with him when he's on roller skates? Why would he be on roller skates if they weren't? Are they fighting over him? Maybe he wants to choose one of the girls over the other one, wouldn't that affect which direction he goes in? Or they're just pulling on him, not fighting, if someone pulled on my sweater, I would probably smack their hand away, so they didn't stretch it, so if he did, he'd end up going in the direction of the girl not pulling as hard.
So instead of moving on to the next question, and studying for my test, I sat here, thinking about this ridiculous question and how absolutely nothing can actually determined by doing the scientific calculations.

And then there's biology. We're watching a movie about viruses, and I have to answer 20 questions about the movie. They're super easy questions, and go in order with the movie. The first bunch I got through pretty well, and then I got super stuck. The movie started talking about how some american guy infected tons of natives with smallpox blankets. And then I spent about the next 45 minutes thinking about how a human being could do that to another human being, who the hell that american thought he was to decide who got to live and who died. America's fucking huge, couldn't he just share the land? And on and on and on, and then near the end of the movie, I woke up from my daydream, and realised that I'd missed everything I was supposed to learn about vaccines...sweet.

So those, my friends, are just two examples of why I shouldn't be a scientist. Because I will never be content to just study the way things are, and the numbers applied to them, I need to know situations, and need to know why things happen the way they do. Science is about nature, and humans, and why the world works the way it does, I just can't accept the fact that a situation can be described in only one way, and that's just the way it is.

But also, it's things like these that make me crave more information. I absolutely need to know if there's a way of figuring Lachlan's taking 3 steps at a time, as oppose to my 2, into the equation of how powerful our legs are while running up the stairs. I need to understand how Ms. Hewitt can say that once the male skater lifts the female skater up in to the air, he has no more work to do.

Which brings me to the real dilemma that I spend way way way too much time thinking about...what field should I go in to...........................................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Okay, so now that I've laid all my insanity down on screen, I think I'll actually go study, because if I don't grduate from high school, it'll make my decision a whole lot easier.

love always

Marissa

17!!!

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 03:58:56 GMT

so the day started off well enough
I went out for brunch at Cora's with my family and Caitlin
me and my mom bitched like crazy at each other in the car, but what's new
then I went downtown with Caitlin
we saw some friends, met a couple people, and sang to get money for Mel
then I went and got my cartilidge pierced by a very attractive boy named Tim, who was very, very friendly "I'm going to come sit up here beside you on the bench while I do this, so I can get closer."
but then the dumb part
we went out for a little drink with some friends
a shifty alley, two police officers, a dumb put the bottle up your coat manoeuvre, one happy birthday and a 125$ fine later, back on Rideau St. where I started, happy birthday beotch
and to top it all off, my mom won't let Tony get me a kitty for my birthday :(

love
marissa

OUR LADY PEACE!!!!

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 15:46:32 GMT

OOOOOH MAAAN!!!!
this morning I woke up and was like ohwow dad, our lady peace tickets go on sale today
so he went on the internet and were both like shit guy! the site's not working
so i skipped school, and he cancelled a meeting, hehe, see, i come by it naturally
and we went out to scotia bank place (what a shitty name) and waited in line for an hour
2nd row on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!1
it's going to be sweet

here's my schedule for the weeks near the concert
friday, may 12th - sunday may 14th : Ottawa con which Conor and I are co-running
Tuesday, may 16th - Our Lady Peace concert
Thursday, may 18th - drive 17 hours to St John, New Brunswick
Friday, may 18th - Monday, may 21st - CanUUdle (conference in NB)
Tuesday, may 22nd - drive 17 hours back to Ottawa
Wednesday, may 23rd - two summatives due!!! (haha...right)

it's going to be saaaaweet! my dad was like wow...why don't you just drop out of school right now

n e ways...i should think about actually going to school now

lots of love
missa

i am not a prostitute

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 22:39:27 GMT

ok...so what started out as an innocent joke...no longer so funny
a friend of a friend of mine sells pot, not plannning on actually buying any from him, i joked around along with another friend and asked if he'd sell it to me for something other than money
if u know what i mean hehehe
but now he's asking me how much i'd suck his cock for!
and i thought he was still joking...although apparently he's super desperate
so i gave him a random number...fairly large amount
and he says
"seriously?"
and i'm like um...i dunno r u serious?
and he's like "yep"

just to clear things up for everyone

I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!!!

there...got that out of my system

computer illiterate # 2

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 20:00:25 GMT

k...so now i know how to make a cut, but how do i make multiple cuts in the same entry?

marissa's mushroom rants

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 19:54:29 GMT

here are two of my favourite rants from my conversations with caitlin yesterday

so you could wake up one morning and pack hundreds of pounds of crack/cocaine and marijuana into the back of your parents car, and leave your house without your parents permission, and drive their car without your license for 65 hours, while stopping on the way a thousand times, makes thousands of illegal drop offs, and nobody would ever know anything
but if I asked my parents if I could take the car, and they said yes, and I took my valid driver's license, and had my parents permission to drive for five hours to go visit a friend in upstate new york, and i had nothing illegal in my car and nothing illegal in my bag or my pockets or anything, they would stop me at the border and say, nope, sorry, you can't come in here, you're only 16
so somebody can break about a bazillion laws over the course of days and days and never get looked at twice, but if i wanna go and break zero laws and try and do an innocent thing like go visit a friend, noooo siree, cuz some guy who's dead now took a pencil and was like, i know, i'll draw a BORDER!

life would be so much easier if we had no bodies or faces or anything, if we were just brains floating in jars of water, except then one of the brains would look at another brain and be like hey, how come your water's such a funny colour, and the first brain would be like, uh, gee, i dunno, my water has always been this colour, and the second brain would be like hey brain (to a third brain) look at this brain's water, and the third brain would be like hehe what a funny colour, and then the first brain would be like, dam, i didn't know it was wierd to have water this colour, why can't i be like everyone else!?

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:12:37 GMT

so i was running up the stairs to biology this morning when boom!
my feet fell out from underneath me and i fell up / down the stairs...yuck
i twisted my ankle in an annoying sort of way so i thought, well, as long as i'm already late, i might as well go get some ice and a tensor bandage, so i went to the office
well, in the office was a guy with chest pain and some paramedics, so they gave me ice and told me to leave
so i sat in the hallway, then caitlin went and got me a tensor bandage
on my way to biology finally, i bumped into mr goebel
well my goodness was that a mistake
i've twisted my freakin' ankle before kids! i wasn't trying to make a big deal of it
but he ushered me to the office, called my mom, filled out an accident report and next thing you know, i'm being driven all over the city trying to find a place that will get me a requisition for an x-ray
so here I am, sitting at home, bored out of my mind, i missed the first biology lab
and i am late handing in yet another physics assignment
plus, my stupid ankle is super sore and every single one of my classes is on the 4th floor
o...and for those of you who don't know lisgar, no, there is no bloody elevator
yay fun
ok, i think i'm done my rant now, time to go watch more insanely boring day time television
love to all
marissa

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 23:24:46 GMT

How Bees Make Honey

Honeybees use nectar to make honey. Nectar is almost 80% water with some complex sugars. In fact, if you have ever pulled a honeysuckle blossom out of its stem, nectar is the clear liquid that drops from the end of the blossom. In North America, bees get nectar from flowers like clovers, dandelions, berry bushes and fruit tree blossoms. They use their long, tubelike tongues like straws to suck the nectar out of the flowers and they store it in their "honey stomachs". Bees actually have two stomachs, their honey stomach which they use like a nectar backpack and their regular stomach. The honey stomach holds almost 70 mg of nectar and when full, it weighs almost as much as the bee does. Honeybees must visit between 100 and 1500 flowers in order to fill their honeystomachs.

The honeybees return to the hive and pass the nectar onto other worker bees. These bees suck the nectar from the honeybee's stomach through their mouths. These "house bees" "chew" the nectar for about half an hour. During this time, enzymes are breaking the complex sugars in the nectar into simple sugars so that it is both more digestible for the bees and less likely to be attacked by bacteria while it is stored within the hive. The bees then spread the nectar throughout the honeycombs where water evaporates from it, making it a thicker syrup. The bees make the nectar dry even faster by fanning it with their wings. Once the honey is gooey enough, the bees seal off the cell of the honeycomb with a plug of wax. The honey is stored until it is eaten. In one year, a colony of bees eats between 120 and 200 pounds of honey.

How Bees make Wax

This is fascinating. Worker bees–which live about five weeks in the summer–make wax from about the 10th day of their lives to the 16th. When workers are roughly 10 days old, they develop special wax-producing glands in their abdomens. They eat lots of honey. The glands convert the sugar in the honey into wax, which seeps through small pores in the bee's body leaving tiny white flakes on its abdomen. These bits of wax are then chewed by the bees. The chewed wax is added to the construction of the honeycomb. The cluster of bees means the hive temperature stays at around 35 degrees Celsius, which keeps the wax at just the right consistency–it's not too hot to be drippy and not too cold to be brittle.

Bees build combs to store honey to fed themselves through winter when there are no flowers. Honeycombs aremade up of six-sided tubes. Mathematicians have figured out that the shape is very efficient–it uses less wax for the volume of honey held, than other shapes (triangular or square tubes).

home, but still lost

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 02:34:31 GMT

Well, it's Monday night, I survived the day, impressive huh?
ok...not so much impressed?
didn't think so
no one is very impressed with me right now, except Heather
and I understand why
last Monday morning I decided against the whole education business, got up at 4, got on a bus, and showed up on Sarah's doorstep in Sherbrooke
and the question of the week is ultimately, why?
it's not about my family, I love my family, so, so much
and it's not about my friends, sure, we have our spats, and our issues with each other, and we haven't been super duper close lately like we used to be, but we're all going through growing up and changing and wacky hormone imbalances, it's normal
and really, it's not about being lonely, because at the end of the day i've got a lot of people who I can turn to for love
essentially, it's all the little things, all the things I can't control, and all the things I can control, and screw up, both chase me
I know you're probably thinking, well ya, I've got lots of little problems too, and I'm not saying that you don't, or that yours aren't more valid than mine, but I've reached the point where I'm no longer strong enough to face everything
I guess I sort of started to identify school as the major problem, the source of everything bad, and when people ask me why I hate school so much, I panic, because there are never reasons enough to seem valid to the askers, and it just becomes a touchy subject, and it freaks me out more
I guess I've just worked myself up about it so much that the very idea makes me panic
Just looking at the school from confederation park this morning made me seize up and hyperventilate, and when I walked away from my locker with no one beside me and no one to go see, I felt like I was going to curl up in a ball right there on the floor and sob, I was so scared
the reason all of this is so hard for me is that I can't even justify or rationalise it to myself
like my fear of mr. arrigo, I know I joke about it, but I'm so so afraid of him. why? he can't do anything to me, I'm dropping out of his course and out of his band and he cannot do anything to change my mind, but I can't talk to him! and every day that goes by is another day that I miss band and he doesn't know why
argh...I have to go catch up on some homework now, but I'll for sure be back soon

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 22:19:03 GMT

Hi again,
It has been a while since I updated, not because I've had nothing to say but because I haven't been sober enough to say it. Sorry, not funny, I know, I was just kidding.
It seems like every time I come on here, I write about boys. Dam boys, dam hormones, why must you plague me? I suppose that if the only thing I have to be upset about is my love life then my life must be pretty good and I should shut up and be happy.
HA.
The wonderful thing about boys is that talking about them never seems to get old. Just when you think a conversation's over, it's not, like the gorgeous host at Dunn's that we just couldn't stop checking out. And why do we even look at boys? Is it pleasurable to look at pictures of gourmet food when you're hungry? Then why do we drool over them when we're starving for affection? Would it not just be easier to turn our heads or cover our eyes and ignore the cravings?
Alas, [pause...did I just say alas? ... oh man you know you're tired when] SO not the case, not even bloody close to the case. Instead we sit there, and watch him, and torture ourselves, knowing that regardless of how much smiling, giggling in a pay attention to how cute I am sort of way, tossing of our hair and showing of skin we do, he's not going to know how much we crave him.
Next comes the self doubt. Does he actually know how much we want him? Is he playing it cool, waiting for us to make the first move? Is he secretly repulsed by us? Or maybe he feels the same way but, like you, is sitting there screaming inside his head every time he looks at you because he would love to open up his mouth and tell you everything he feels for you but is so afraid that you don't reciprocate emotions and would be uncomfortable.
I discovered a whole new mind blowing phenomenon this weekend. The "I love you". For some relationships, it's an awesome turning point, for others, it just happens, no big deal is made, but inside it feels real good, for some, it can be a bomb that blows the couple apart. We walk around all day, dropping this potential bomb without thinking twice about it. We tell our families we love them, and our friends, and for the most part, we mean it. Or we say it in conversations where its meaning is clearly understood as “I may or may not actually love you but right now it’s irrelevant because I want you to do something for me that will in no way affect the way I feel about you” ie: if you return this book for me, I’ll love you forever.
The one I discovered this weekend, I hadn’t classified yet. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have friends who I adore to the point that they could be part of my family. I really do love them. When I’m with those friends, I feel so comfortable, so safe, so loved. There’s no need for sexual contact or anything of the sort, but there’s still enormous amounts of affection. What I found this weekend was someone who I have been friends with for almost a year, and have been getting progressively closer to over the course of the year, and I realized that I really do love this person. But what I can’t figure out, is why I still like him so much. Clarification? I love him like I could just sit there for endless hours and talk, or just sit in silence, or hug, or cuddle, just be in his presence, like an amazing friend. But I like him like I want to kiss them because the faces he makes and the things he says are just so cute. And I like him like I want to be with him alone and just lie in his arms and feel like he’ll never leave me. And I like him like when he pays attention to other girls I can’t watch because maybe he wants them instead.
I feel ridiculous too, because we’ve achieved this awesome, comfortable friendship, and it’s amazing, and I could potentially ruin in so quickly.
So back to the original topic of this paragraph, love. It shouldn’t be a huge thing, and if it were another friend, it wouldn’t be. But little things over the course of the weekend happened and my emotions spin out of control. Insults get thrown around as often happens between friends and I pretend to be hurt and he pulls me close, and gives me a really nice hug and just holds on, as often happens at cons, and we stand there and hug each other and he says “aw Missa, you know I love you, you know I always love you”. And I just stand there, and hang on real tight because I don’t want to lose the moment, or the feeling. But inside I’m going nuts, because I so badly want to know that he always loves me, and I don’t think he thinks of me as anything more than a really great friend. And of course it didn’t just happen once. After the first time I really noticed it, I noticed every time it happened, and every time I did the same thing and secretly thought about how much I really meant it and how little he knew about how much I do.
I think I’m done now, it felt kind of good to throw all my thoughts down on the keyboard.
Also, if you feel like telling me your opinion of the situation, whether you think I should say anything, whether you think I should forget about it and just accept a great friendship for what it is, I would be super grateful, because right now, I’m really lost.

Love, a very perplexed, emotional, and exhausted Marissa