me · me · me · me · me · me · me · me · me

Biggest news at the moment :
I got a job! yay!
actually I got two
One is at Bluesfest (so fantastic!) working in a lemonade stand
and the other is for Quizno's subs, where I get to wear a giant soft drink costume and walk around with Caitlin while she hands out flyers.

Now the confirming my sanity part.
Does anyone remember that commercial that was for some kind of gum that was a candy too, or something like that, where some guy says in a ridiculous voice : "I got two jobs!"
Cuz yesterday I kept saying that to people and they just kinda stared at me blankly like they had absolutely no idea why i wasn't normal :P.

In other news, I'm back from my trip. It was pretty fabulous, although lonely at times.
I've rediscovered my deep rooted hatred for Toronto lol. Especially Toronto when you're trying to drive around in it and you have no idea where you're going and there are people honking and screaming because stupid Brazil just won the stupid world cup. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the world cup, or Brazil, but I thought I hit a kid or something!

My gramma's here now, she came up for my dad's party. My aunt and uncle are coming late tonight. This party's going to be crrrrazy. Especially if it rains lmao. There are like 50 people coming to my house to have a barbeque in the back yard, kids and grandparents and everything in between. Last year, the leftover beer from the party, yes, just the leftovers, took up two shelves in our fridge. That was just 25 people.

Now I'm going to go be social because Laura is sitting in my dining room.

Love always,

Marissa

Biggest news of the moment in marissa's life :
I'm going vegan.
I've been thinking about it for a while, the official deciding point was how sick I've been for the past two weeks, unless I don't eat certain foods altogether, I just can't stay away from them.
Although, if it doesn't stop me from being so sick all the time, I might go back to eggs and milk, fish is going no matter what, because I swear to god that my bad karma in the fish eating department is going to make those fish in the canal jump out and eat me :P.
The first bonus about vegan cooking : eating raw batter and not feeling sick

i think i popped a blood vessel in my eyelid
there's a gross red line thing on my eyelid
it's very itchy
maybe i got bit by a bug
all i know is it's irritating

last night i snuck out of my house at 2:00
in the morning to go meet chris and devon and geoff at the park
it was exciting
and i didn't get caught
and it was fun
i'm very tired though

i think that i understand why there were just about no grade 11's and 12's at our dances in grade 9, it seems that we've all kind of outgrown them, the hype is gone
time to move on to bars and clubs i suppose
i would give anything to be young, naive, and innocent again and get all fancied up and excited to go stand in the glebe community centre with 250 preteens
and hope that geoff marshall catlin miraculously shows up
lol...those were the days

at the dance last night, some girl came running up to me and was like will you dance with this cute guy from edmonton, it's his last day here and i have to show him ottawa girls
so i did
he was pretty cute, and nice, it was pretty awkward at first, just like grade 6 again
we kinda stood and danced about a foot apart and chatted
then the girl came up and was like "you know you can touch" and pushed us together
so we got closer and wrapped our arms around each other
the funny thing is, that's when the conversation stopped
when the song ended, i left pretty quickly
he said thank you, it was nice to meet you
and hung on to my arm for a second
i felt bad for not staying for another dance
i hope i didn't insult him
he doesn't know how much i can't deal with meeting another guy who lives far away
i couldn't tell him that the reason i wanted to have nothing to do with him was because i was interested in him

there are so many reasons for people acting like they do, for them saying the things they say, it's tough to figure people out sometimes, but i think acknowledging that there's so much more to people than what's on the surface will get me further than moping about not understanding why people act the way they do

that's my psychological breakthrough for the day

love always

Marissa

My mind is pulling itself in a bazillion different directions right now.
I think the scariest thing ever is not knowing how you feel.
That should be the easiest thing in the world to figure out, shouldn't it?
The way you feel about something, where you stand on an issue.
With all the worrying about what other people think, how they feel, what they're going to do, how is it that you should have to figure yourself out as well?

I haven't been at school since last Tuesday. I was sick, then I was in New Brunswick, then I was so tired I couldn't function, then my physics summative was a disaster and fell apart at the last minute and I spent all day trying to fix it.
I'm so afraid to go back, to face everything that's there again, I always am. At the same time, I've been around the same few people for almost 2 weeks.
I need stimulation, it may sound uber nerdy, but I really need to learn something lol.

Kevin is coming up on Friday, and I am ever so excited. His busses are dumb so we're not going to the dance, but I don't mind very much. Paul, Riannon, and James are also coming. We are going to celebrate Roopa's bday like nobody's business. WoOoOoOoO HoOoOoOoOoO!!!

I'm too lazy to write a big long post about CanUUdle right now, but I will soon.

In other news, I've been sober for thirteen days now. And I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday morning. And I'm pretty much ok.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not quitting right now like snap, but I'm feeling very in control. Very clear headed.

That's all for now.

Love always,

Marissa

Lyrics (Dashboard Confessional)

It's hard to explain how I am getting by
on so little from you.
It's hard to believe that I would let myself
get so wrapped in you.
There's got to be something that would
be worthwhile for me to give to you.
We need a connection but you
seem to push me far away from you.

yes, i am aware that i am not actually emo
however, i am about to complain about my mood in this post, and to prevent anyone from commenting on it and saying "cheer up emo kid" i thought i'd warn you first
because if anyone were to say that to me right now, i might go postal
(just in case anyone was wondering, the term "to go postal" comes from events that happened between 1986 and 1997 in which 20 U.S. postal workers got so angry that they went to work and shot their co-workers, combined, they killed more than 40 people)
yes, that is how upset i will get if anyone else tells me to cheer up
i don't want to pretend to be happy
i need some perspective?
i get it, i have a good life, a good family, good friends, i'm not starving or dying of aids and nobody close to me has died recently
but i'm still allowed to be upset, because i do feel hurt, and if i need to hurt for a while, why can't everyone just let me
if that means you need to leave me alone to my feeling sorry for myself, go right ahead
maybe i can't deal with it on my own but i'd rather do that than be constantly told to feel better, be happy, cheer up, because it's just not that quick and easy for me
maybe i'm overreacting, i probably am, but this is how much it affected me, if you can't deal with my selfishness, don't

I won't lie to you in order to make you think I'm feeling some sort of humble. We did a f***ing amazing job organizing that conference. Oh boy, what a fabulous con!

Friday was a little bit hectic. I had about a gazillion different jobs to do and got quite a bit stressed out. Roz is my goddess for ever and five halves.
Most people there would come up and be like, how's it going? or, how are you doing?
But wonderful marvellous Roz stands me up, sits at the computer and says "Tell me what to do."
Our country for our touch group was named Sambouca (<3 Riannon).
Our religion was the worship of Kevin Fox, because it was his birthday.
More on his birthday. On Thursday, me and Caitlin went out and bought him 17 birthday presents for his 17th birthday. They were fabulously useless things like foam swords and rubber bouncy balls. OOh, and a shot glass that lights up when you slam it down.
Also, Roopa wrapped me up in streamers and a bow and presenting me to him, along with a card that said "Luc's not coming, happy birthday". He got quite a kick out of that one lol.
Then there was a supremely awkward bunch of minutes when we were going to sleep when Ali and Slater decided to join us under the duvet. We all kind of lay there awake for who knows how long, before Ali was like "Uh, Slater, do you want to go lie down somewhere else now?"

Saturday was also pretty fabulous. Workshops went as well as we expected, and food was soo good. For free time, Sarah, Dale, Paul, Morgan, Laura, Glynis, Riannon, and Kevin came over to jump on the trampoline and we watched Edward Scissorhands.
The coffeehouse was also really good, and organised, minus the part when my dad was the MC and made humiliating comments i.e. (after I sang Light my Candle with Eric) "I don't like you staring at my daughter's ass. We're going to dance later alright!"
The bridging worship was very nice and sweet. They played Circle Game and I managed to not cry.
I was planning on staying up all night, but I realised that I was very supremely exhausted and that most of my super close friends were already asleep, so I went to bed at around 3.

And here I am, sitting at my computer, somewhat lonely, not allowing myeslf to fall asleep, because I know that if I do, I will sleep until I don't need sleep any more, and then I will never sleep tonight.

oh how I love this time of year!
there are just so many things that make we want to run around and dance and sing and laugh and smile!
first of all, it's warm, that means I can go outside and lay in the grass and bake in the sun, and just be cozy, and toasty, and content just being
plus, it's getting so pretty out, I haven't seen flowers yet, but there's green! lots of green!
the grass isn't mucky and ugly, and there are cute little stems sticking up all over the place
and this morning, my bird woke up super early and started whistling LIKE CRAZY
so I woke up and went downstairs to see what was going on, and there was this cute little birdy in a nest whistling and bobbing his head all over the place, oooooo so cute!!!!!
I think I will go to the experimental farm and coo over all the baby animals, I love babies!
anyone wanna come with me?
mmmmmm I'm so glad that winter is over, I'm such a fake Canadian, I can't stand cold and snow and ice
I want it to be just like this, all year round
green and good smelly and pretty and babies and oooooo I'm going back outside now it's just too nice to stay in!

Song Lyrics :
I'm trying to reach your hand
But I'm on fire
I never planned to fade... away
Stay with me
Stop pretending when they say that you're nothing

Are you sad?
Are you holding yourself?
Are you locked in your room?
You shouldn't be..

I'm drowning inside your head
Help me to answer
Help understand
Why it's been so long since we talked like friends
Please, forgive me,
I'm just someone
Whose made mistakes

since september I have been looking forward to Steve, my wonderful friend from B.C., coming to London, Ontario on his Katimavik trip
because he is living so much closer now than ever before, he was going to come to Ottawa, as well as CanUUdle (in New Brunswick) for the all Canadian youth conference
he got to London on Saturday, and I was so excited, it was finally happening
but then I talked to him
he is neither coming to Ottawa, nor New Brunswick
I think I will cry
I lied
I know I will cry
I already have
I'm so sick of crying
I'm so sick of being dissappointed
why do I even bother looking forward to things? why do I bother getting excited?
I just keep setting myself up for another night of sitting on my bed bawling in to my pillow

Song Lyric of the moment :
go home, get stoned, we could end up making love instead of misery

270 miles to certain affection,
or 313 miles to certain friendship, that you wish was love?

to wait for someone who may not ever return your feelings,
or to be with someone who will cherish you now?

take a chance on someone you think you might be falling for,
or stick to someone you know you'll never stop caring for?

the unforgettable one, who won't be around for much longer,
or the new acquaintance, who will be there until the end?

Song Lyrics of the moment :

" I am just a dreamer,
but you are just a dream,
You could have been anyone to me.
Before that moment you touched my lips
That perfect feeling when time just slips
away between us on our foggy trip [...]
I wanna love you, but I get so blown away. " - Neil Young

So, I'm sitting down to do some Physics questions, which I cleverly dowloaded from the internet so that I could study without a textbook (cuz the bitch took it away the day before my test, concerned my ass). The first couple went alright, because clearly I should have a higher mark than 63, regardless of the retarded different bins for thinking and inquiry and application etc etc. Then the third question : " A boy with a mass of 60 kg is on roller skates, a girl, pulls on his arm with a force of 100N[W]. A second girl pulls on his sweater with a force of 120N[E]. Describe all of the forces that are acting on the boy. "
So, clearly, the answer is 20N[E], and then gravity, even if you aren't taking physics, you probably figured that out. But could I just leave it at that, could I move on? Pffff!
Who is this boy, and why does he have two girls pulling on him? What are they doing there with him when he's on roller skates? Why would he be on roller skates if they weren't? Are they fighting over him? Maybe he wants to choose one of the girls over the other one, wouldn't that affect which direction he goes in? Or they're just pulling on him, not fighting, if someone pulled on my sweater, I would probably smack their hand away, so they didn't stretch it, so if he did, he'd end up going in the direction of the girl not pulling as hard.
So instead of moving on to the next question, and studying for my test, I sat here, thinking about this ridiculous question and how absolutely nothing can actually determined by doing the scientific calculations.

And then there's biology. We're watching a movie about viruses, and I have to answer 20 questions about the movie. They're super easy questions, and go in order with the movie. The first bunch I got through pretty well, and then I got super stuck. The movie started talking about how some american guy infected tons of natives with smallpox blankets. And then I spent about the next 45 minutes thinking about how a human being could do that to another human being, who the hell that american thought he was to decide who got to live and who died. America's fucking huge, couldn't he just share the land? And on and on and on, and then near the end of the movie, I woke up from my daydream, and realised that I'd missed everything I was supposed to learn about vaccines...sweet.

So those, my friends, are just two examples of why I shouldn't be a scientist. Because I will never be content to just study the way things are, and the numbers applied to them, I need to know situations, and need to know why things happen the way they do. Science is about nature, and humans, and why the world works the way it does, I just can't accept the fact that a situation can be described in only one way, and that's just the way it is.

But also, it's things like these that make me crave more information. I absolutely need to know if there's a way of figuring Lachlan's taking 3 steps at a time, as oppose to my 2, into the equation of how powerful our legs are while running up the stairs. I need to understand how Ms. Hewitt can say that once the male skater lifts the female skater up in to the air, he has no more work to do.

Which brings me to the real dilemma that I spend way way way too much time thinking about...what field should I go in to...........................................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHH!!!!

Okay, so now that I've laid all my insanity down on screen, I think I'll actually go study, because if I don't grduate from high school, it'll make my decision a whole lot easier.

love always

Marissa

so the day started off well enough
I went out for brunch at Cora's with my family and Caitlin
me and my mom bitched like crazy at each other in the car, but what's new
then I went downtown with Caitlin
we saw some friends, met a couple people, and sang to get money for Mel
then I went and got my cartilidge pierced by a very attractive boy named Tim, who was very, very friendly "I'm going to come sit up here beside you on the bench while I do this, so I can get closer."
but then the dumb part
we went out for a little drink with some friends
a shifty alley, two police officers, a dumb put the bottle up your coat manoeuvre, one happy birthday and a 125$ fine later, back on Rideau St. where I started, happy birthday beotch
and to top it all off, my mom won't let Tony get me a kitty for my birthday :(

love
marissa

OOOOOH MAAAN!!!!
this morning I woke up and was like ohwow dad, our lady peace tickets go on sale today
so he went on the internet and were both like shit guy! the site's not working
so i skipped school, and he cancelled a meeting, hehe, see, i come by it naturally
and we went out to scotia bank place (what a shitty name) and waited in line for an hour
2nd row on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!1
it's going to be sweet

here's my schedule for the weeks near the concert
friday, may 12th - sunday may 14th : Ottawa con which Conor and I are co-running
Tuesday, may 16th - Our Lady Peace concert
Thursday, may 18th - drive 17 hours to St John, New Brunswick
Friday, may 18th - Monday, may 21st - CanUUdle (conference in NB)
Tuesday, may 22nd - drive 17 hours back to Ottawa
Wednesday, may 23rd - two summatives due!!! (haha...right)

it's going to be saaaaweet! my dad was like wow...why don't you just drop out of school right now

n e ways...i should think about actually going to school now

lots of love
missa

ok...so what started out as an innocent joke...no longer so funny
a friend of a friend of mine sells pot, not plannning on actually buying any from him, i joked around along with another friend and asked if he'd sell it to me for something other than money
if u know what i mean hehehe
but now he's asking me how much i'd suck his cock for!
and i thought he was still joking...although apparently he's super desperate
so i gave him a random number...fairly large amount
and he says
"seriously?"
and i'm like um...i dunno r u serious?
and he's like "yep"

just to clear things up for everyone

I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!!!

there...got that out of my system